The most I've ever given

*Warning: This post is not for the faint of heart, or those who despise the word vomit.*

I could choose a lot of word to describe the last three and a half weeks. Words like scary, lonely, horrendous, yucky, even depressing at times. The few words that I want to use though to describe the last few weeks is - this is the most I've ever given to someone else. I've given my time, my body, my nutrients, and my absolute love to my sweet little babe. 

Side note: I would sincerely like to apologize and thank my mom for any sickness she went through while carrying me. I can really truly mean that now. 

Never did I imagine that pregnancy would be this demanding or absolutely crazy really. I've shed a lot of tears while laying in bed just wanting to be able to eat something other than saltine crackers. I had prepared myself for birth. I knew that was coming and that it would suck, but it would be over and I could do it. I never prepared myself for the possibility of dealing with a sickness to this severity.   I have had so many suggestions from people who have suffered from morning sickness, and thank you so much for trying to help me. At times it's difficult to hear the same suggestions over and over when I know they don't work, but I'm learning to be gracious. 

Many people do not know that there is a difference between traditional "morning" sickness and a medical complication called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Some of you may have heard about it via Princess Kate. It it characterized by losing 5% or more of your body weight, experiencing high Ketone levels, constant nausea and vomiting throughout the day, the need for rehydration through IV, and inability to complete normal daily task. I am praying and hoping everyday that I get better and that this will come to an end after my first trimester. Trust me, I want that to happen more than anyone. For those who are suffering from HG, a very helpful website I have found is through the HER foundation. Here is the link: http://www.helpher.org

 I have something way more profound to say than just that I'm miserably sick most of the time. Really I have a story to tell because sometimes stories are the best way to communicate...

Earlier this evening I was laying in bed after a rather horrific vomiting spell. Recently the veins in my head have begun to throb from the pressure and well, my first thought was, "I'm going to die on this bathroom floor." Naturally that is everyone's first thought, right?  I made it back to the bed without dropping dead and rested as I just wanted to sob for hours. I know all the pregnant women can back me up there. Sometimes I distract myself by watching baby documentaries, youtube videos, and reading articles so that I can fell good about all the exciting things I have to look forward to. I came across a very sweet video that beautifully captured all of the things mothers do for their children. I sat there thinking, "I have never given so much to another human being. I have never sacrificed so much of my time and energy to make sure someone else is well and thriving." And then as I began to think through the next few days, weeks, years, I realized this would not be the end. This is really just the beginning of loving someone else more than I love myself. Of course, I do things for my husband all the time and that has been a learning experience, but no one and nothing has ever needed so much from me. Even when it is so hard and there are days that I think, "I can't do this" I know that I have the greatest joy of carrying, nurturing, loving our child before anyone else gets to. I get to experience the magic of being a mom to someone who can do nothing for me and depends solely on me. I know there are women who would do anything to be in my place, and there is not a day I take this pregnancy for granted. 

I must add though, that I still get tired and worn out and really lonely after being in bed for 8 hours during the day just hoping I can get up to make myself a piece of toast. I take my Ketone levels almost every day and hope it comes back clear. And there are days I just want to live on an IV because that seems better than trying to drink water and throwing it right back up. I also make myself get out and risk throwing up in awkward public places so I can feel normal again. Yet, I do not ever want my child to feel as though it wasn't worth it. Even though I don't know him or her yet, I already know that they are worth every single day of difficulty. Their value does not rest in what they can do for me or how they can make my life better. Their value is in the mere fact that they exist and that they are living and breathing and growing each and every day. 

I have much to be thankful for, even in the hardest of days. 

Thank you for all of your prayers, kind words, and encouragement. This baby has already taught Chris and I so much, but we wouldn't want it any other way. Speaking of which,  big shout out to my husband who has taken on the responsibilities of laundry, dishes, cleaning, and now moving into our house. You're the bomb ;)